The last and closing post for my exchange in Kyung Hee University has not been written yet, even though it has been more than 3 months since I came back home to Finland. For many reasons, I had a hard time writing and thinking through things when I came back home, and now after some time I realised why.
Returning to reality, to Helsinki, wasn't as easy and fun as it could have been. Partly I was happy to get back home, expecting that things would all be the same, but realised that not only me has changed during the year, but also my surrounding, my friends, my classmates, colleges, and so on. My first week in Finland was strange. I mostly sat at home, staring at my TV realising that I haven't been watching TV for 10 months, especially not in Finnish. I was scared and terrified to show myself in public. I didn't want to be seen, especially not by friends or people that I just say "hi" to. I told people that I'm home, but was I really home? Was it really me, my heart and soul that returned, or was it just my body?
A big part of me, who I became and who I still am today, is left in Korea. It's such a meaningful memory for me, and I truly expected people around me to jump of joy of seeing me, and wanting to hear everything I have been through. Maybe I expected too much. Coming back felt like I had been gone for a week, and me returning wasn't anything special, and why should it matter to anyone else except for myself and my family?
I realised that Korea for me, was a huge amount of steps forward in my life. I grew, I saw, I travelled, I experienced more then I have done in my life so far. Returning home realising that most of my friends are still walking on the same step they used to before I left, feels like a "waste" of time. No, everybody doesn't have to travel to Korea or any other country to grow as a person and get forward in ones life, but just the thought of that the time in Finland "stopped" while I was gone, is a bit scary. It made me think about life in a bigger picture. "If I stay here, I won't do anything in life. I will just get a job, be there for the rest of my life and that's it", that's really something I don't want.
My friends, closed ones, people I thought I would be friends with forever, they also changed. Have they changed, or am I the one who changed? With some friends, it has been awkward. It feels like I don't know who they are, I don't know if I can trust them no more, or do they even see me as their friend anymore. Many of my "closest" friends barely talk to me, and I barely see them either. If I do, I just feel like there is not the same connection as before and that we really don't understand each other no more. But what is there to do in a situation like that? "Hi, I feel awkward, I don't feel like we click anymore".
Everything felt different and stupid. The food was expensive, I understood everything what everybody was talking about, everything was "easy" and accessible, no challenge. While in Korea, it was frustrating not being able to be as independent as I'm back home, I miss the adventure, the mystery, and the thoughts of what people are saying and talking about. In general, in my social network of people, I have no idea what people are talking about, what has happened in their life, what the jokes are about, what's in and out... I feel like a complete fool and outsider. In many situations, I don't know what to say or how to behave, so I mostly keep quiet and look down. I wouldn't say that I became shy being in South Korea, I would say that I haven't really recovered from the culture shock yet.
Don't get me wrong, coming home has not only been a sad experience. Many people, who I thought that didn't really care about me, has stepped up and showed me how precious I am to them. That makes me very happy. Friends living far away from me sacrifices their precious time, weekends, just to travel hundreds of kilometers just to see me. And all the support and love I receive from all my friends in Korea, makes me wake up every morning with a smile on my face.
So what now? I'm working on pursuing my dreams, figuring out what to do when graduating, what my next step in my life will be, where will I go, where will I work, who will I meet... That's all in the future now, and I can't wait to see what life throws at me next!
